I’m loosing a never ending battle

A battle with RAD that is. I’m sooooo friggen sick of the blatant disrespect, the pee, the lying, the pee, the sneakiness, the pee, the damaging property, the pee, the violence, the pee, the rages, the pee, the I’m gunna play dumb, the pee, the i didn’t hear you, the pee, the i forgot how, the pee, and most of all the absolute creepy indifference to everyone and everything ; a complete indifference to any pain or sadness she has caused anyone.

I’ve reached my threshold of pretend it doesn’t bother me a long time ago. She knows my triggers and instead of hitting one or two hits em all everytime and everyday. I read blogs of other trauma mommas and while some seem to be experiencing what I am most are still hanging in there with smiles on their faces and love in their hearts.

I am physically, emotionally, and mentally beat and can no longer force and fake the smiles. The sympathy I had before for her and her situation has now turned to frustration, anger and resentment. Is there some magic fucking pill you all are taking or what ???? I’ve found nothing to help calm me when she’s triggered me and I her. I have another child to take care of who is suffering because of A and her crap, and a husband in the military who work extremely long rediculous hours. I live on an island in the middle of the ocean that doesn’t have the resources we need for her. If one more fucking person suggests I breathe I’m gunna kick ur ass. Breathing doest work. We are past the breathing and count to 10 bullshit. The only benefit breathing has for me is to not die from lack of oxygen. At this point nothing is working with her, I don’t feel like dealing with her crap so I just gave up. So I’ve lost my battle with RAD and I’m not happy about it but I’m out of ideas.


7 responses to “I’m loosing a never ending battle

  1. so sorry Amanda. I won’t tell you to breath. It’s only idiotic people that have no idea the pain you go through that say crap like that. Like what the heck is breathing gonna do anyways? It’s the same as the idiots that tell you to” just relax” and you’ll get pregnant. They have no idea. Let me know if I can do anything for you.

  2. Amanda,
    This is an emergency situation. What is the Army doing for you? They need to have a crisis intervention team/or the like to coordinate services, the f****ers. I am not kidding. I can only imagine how frustrated, resentful, and exhausted you must be. What can I do to help??????

    • Pfft they have never given a shit Jennifer. They care nothing about my well being or the kids. They just care about who they can send over to Iraq and Afghanistan. All the therapists and what not say admit her and I’m not willing to send a 4 year old to the psych ward. Though in about 6 months we are moving back there. 🙂


  3. The pee would knock me over the edge, too. Bit, lie, steal, but please don’t pee. Ughhh ammonia smell, it’s impossible to get rid of it completely.

    I am an adoptive mother of an Ethiopian child. Love your honesty on the subject of RAD.

    • Thanks Jamie. You know what’s funny ? I’m a secret lurker on your blog and love stopping by to read what you’ve written. I’ll have to start leaving some comments now !

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